I just can't stop thinking about it. The meaning of life has been eluding me in every discussion with myself I've had recently about this, which is probably more than most people even think about it in their entire lives. With IB exams and graduation coming up soon, I'm being forced to think of what I want to do past high school and in the real world away from my parents and most of my friends. Then I start thinking about why I'm doing everything I am and why it matters. What good is all this mental suffering and having to work all the time? Sure, I'll "be ready for college and the real world" from these things, but where does that lead? After college you get a job in the world doing what you studied for and then you just keep on moving through life. There doesn't seem to be a point where anyone's life means anything in relation to well... anything. Okay, cool, so you cure cancer. That means more people get to live and contribute to the world right? Sure, but really what is the goal of the world? What's the difference between dying now and dying later?
It seems like every day is the same way and my life has been on a loop for the past few months with a few other things happening once and a while that didn't happen before. Get up way too early to go to school, go to school, get out of school, go to work, go home, do homework, sleep. Repeat that and that's pretty much my life in an ever so unimportant nutshell.
Sure, there are things I look forward to in life like finally finishing school (because it seems to never end) and having a family, but those take years to get. Years that could be full of hardships that make it not even worth it. I find myself always having to have something to look forward to in the foreseeable future and if I don't I think even more about why I'm here.
I was actually just stumbling (on stumbleupon.com), and I found an article about something called "existential depression" which actually encompasses everything I've said here. There's also stuff about an "existential crisis" which is basically what happens during this existential depression. At least I can be glad that other people have felt like this before although nothing I've fervently read in the past few hours has helped me get anywhere in my internal debate. Even when I do manage to get my mind away from thinking about life, I always manage to have this relapse and then it takes a long time for it to go away again.
As a random sidenote, I've been working on this post for a few weeks now. I've edited this thing so many times that I'm not sure it's even coherent anymore. I love self-censorship because even when I start on a tangent, I realize that I don't want people to know some things I think and I can just take it out. Anyways your welcome for another depressing post.
