A Moment Lost

I hate how days can feel like years and years can feel like days. High school seems like it's just "A moment lost" in my life as the title says (it's a song). As time blurs together and memories do too, I wish there was some way for me to preserve them. But at the same time there are things I would rather forget (and sadly it's usually the things I want to forget that I remember most). I know that after I graduate high school in a little less than a month, I won't even talk to most of the people I have gotten to know throughout those four years even though that's not very many people. Half of me wants to make the most of the time we have left but the other half wants to just have the heartbreak now and get it over with because I know the more time I spend with my friends the more I'll miss them. I'm sure that I'll make friends in college (or at least I hope so) and it's possible that one of them will be my best friend for the rest of my life, but right now I don't want to; I want to keep my friends that I have now with me forever. I know a lot of this is because of my aversion to social contact with people I hardly know. Making new friends has always been hard for me and I've lately been realizing that most of my friendships have only come about because of other friends. My friendship with one person led me to a friendship with a few other people and then those led to me meeting other people. The whole thing became a chain and it's sad that I now hardly even talk to the person who started the chain. The lowest point I've ever had in my life was when I had only one friend in school and I'm scared to death that I'll go through the same thing in college.

I also always seem to have the problem of me wanting to stay friends with someone even after I don't see them every day anymore but they really don't. My friends from middle school seem to not care to keep in touch with me even though I've made so many attempts to keep in contact. I'm so afraid that the same thing will happen with the friends I've made in high school too, but I do at least aknowledge now that it will happen so it won't be as saddening. Most of what kills me about it is how I know that some people will tell me that we'll keep in touch and it just won't happen despite my attempts. And those types of things are really the things I remember most only to never talk to those people again. I know I'll want to carry on like nothing has changed, but my brain is slowly comprehending that I won't see these people 5 days a week for the rest of my life. Even now as I'm writing this my stomach is knotting up and my head is starting to hurt just thinking about it. It's this gut-wrenching feeling that makes me know that I'll be an emotional wreck at graduation. At the same time though, people will change during college and sometimes it could be dramatic; there could be a possibility that I wouldn't want to be their friend anymore after college because of how they've changed but there's also the opposite situation of me changing to the point where they don't like me anymore.

Recently I've been keeping a sort of journal/diary type thing to hopefully improve my memory but I'm very hesitant about describing too much in it because I have the habit of looking back at things and getting sad over how things used to be even if I wasn't as happy at that time. I tend to look at old pictures and things I wrote a lot and I know that reading all these entries in the future will most likely just make me sad. But at the same time I'm trying to improve my memory so maybe it will be worth it in the end somehow.

Super rant over. Had to get this out of my head.

"The bonds we form help us down the path less lonely
but eventually, we lose each other in the darkness."

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life

I just can't stop thinking about it. The meaning of life has been eluding me in every discussion with myself I've had recently about this, which is probably more than most people even think about it in their entire lives. With IB exams and graduation coming up soon, I'm being forced to think of what I want to do past high school and in the real world away from my parents and most of my friends. Then I start thinking about why I'm doing everything I am and why it matters. What good is all this mental suffering and having to work all the time? Sure, I'll "be ready for college and the real world" from these things, but where does that lead? After college you get a job in the world doing what you studied for and then you just keep on moving through life. There doesn't seem to be a point where anyone's life means anything in relation to well... anything. Okay, cool, so you cure cancer. That means more people get to live and contribute to the world right? Sure, but really what is the goal of the world? What's the difference between dying now and dying later?

It seems like every day is the same way and my life has been on a loop for the past few months with a few other things happening once and a while that didn't happen before. Get up way too early to go to school, go to school, get out of school, go to work, go home, do homework, sleep. Repeat that and that's pretty much my life in an ever so unimportant nutshell.

Sure, there are things I look forward to in life like finally finishing school (because it seems to never end) and having a family, but those take years to get. Years that could be full of hardships that make it not even worth it. I find myself always having to have something to look forward to in the foreseeable future and if I don't I think even more about why I'm here.

I was actually just stumbling (on stumbleupon.com), and I found an article about something called "existential depression" which actually encompasses everything I've said here. There's also stuff about an "existential crisis" which is basically what happens during this existential depression. At least I can be glad that other people have felt like this before although nothing I've fervently read in the past few hours has helped me get anywhere in my internal debate. Even when I do manage to get my mind away from thinking about life, I always manage to have this relapse and then it takes a long time for it to go away again.

As a random sidenote, I've been working on this post for a few weeks now. I've edited this thing so many times that I'm not sure it's even coherent anymore. I love self-censorship because even when I start on a tangent, I realize that I don't want people to know some things I think and I can just take it out. Anyways your welcome for another depressing post.