Warning: Imminent Ranting Nonsense

She's always there. She's my worst enemy and I've never been able to shake her. She's gone with me through my entire life and will forever be there and will always be the person that most holds me back. No matter what I do, she doesn't leave, and she's the person I've felt more hatred towards than anyone else. Yet I have to keep her close, because she is my worst enemy and I must keep her closer than my friends. She is me and I am her. My worst enemy is myself.

I hate that I always beat myself down into the ground, bury myself under everything; so deep that no one can dig me out and that I can't even help myself. And when my friends try to help, I feel bad because I know that I’m not prepared to get back to the surface no matter what they do. Keeping everything inside is just my coping method even though it sucks. I’ve never had the person you can tell everything to and even if I ever did I know I wouldn’t tell that person everything. When people tell me they’re there for me and I can talk to them, I appreciate it although I know that I’ll never take them up on the offer. I’m more of a listener; I like listening to people’s problems and trying to help them sort things out. Dealing with my own problems scares me. My happiest realizations are that a problem I’ve put off dealing with solves itself so I no longer have to deal with it.

Even when I attempt to make a compromise to myself that I won't make everything into a big deal, I find myself not being able to, and then I hate myself even more for not being able to keep a promise to myself. I'm big about keeping promises, and when I break my own promises it just hurts that much more. Maybe I do overreact to everything; my problems aren’t as bad as other people’s which is another thing I remind myself of only to feel worse because I seem to make everything into a bigger deal than it is. Even now everything I’m saying here is just a rant and I’m probably over-exaggerating as it is.

It feels like I’m a car with the keys inside of it. There’s no way to get in and no way to get out. Everything that’s locked in stays in, and the dust inside builds up making things heavier and heavier with time. Only extreme action can get inside the car like breaking the windows, but doing so would harm the very thing you’re trying to use when you get the key. Or maybe you could smash the windows in only to realize that the key was never inside the car and that you left it somewhere you can’t remember. The car alarm may go off as the car tries to help itself, but in the end, the car can’t really do anything to help the predicament except warn that there is one to anyone who might be around. But if the car's not willing to help itself and the alarm doesn't go off, nobody will know of the trouble.

"The hardest thing to change in life is yourself"

Anyway; happy end to post. All I have is a squiggle but I can use that well if it's placed correctly --> ~