I've been thinking a lot lately. About nothing yet everything. Something I saw on Tumblr made me inspired to write this so here it is.
I find myself more and more wanting to talk to people, to make friends and seem like I'm interesting, yet even when I'm with my friends I don't really want to talk. I put in my earbuds and just listen to music. For some reason music has in essence become my best friend. I keep getting in these moods where all I want to do is just sit around and listen to music. On my way to class I listen to music and when I get there, for the ten or so minutes before class actually starts, I continue listening although inside I sort of want the people sitting around me to talk to me. At the same time, I worry that if they do start talking to me I'll just say something stupid and make them not want to talk to me ever again. Which I think may have happened in sociology the other day. I've been trying so hard to make friends that I may just be trying too hard. You know it's bad when you're carrying the entire conversation and the person you're talking to has nothing to say back. Then it just gets to the point where you're beyond relieved when the teacher tells everyone to stop talking because you need someone to tell you to shut up.
Recently I've been living more in my own head than in reality. I can't focus on anything because my mind is always so scattered. Jumping from thought to thought, from one possibility to the next. Right now I'm supposed to be studying for an astronomy test that I have tomorrow, but what am I doing? Listening to music of course. I can't remember what I read a while ago, but I somewhat-recently realized that my personality is me because I'm weak. I can't force myself to see the good in things, I just let everything bother me and can't even muster enough energy to get those thoughts out of my mind.
Scattery mind come back! So yeah back to how I practically ignore my friends when I'm with them. Wow I put that badly. For some reason I usually feel better just being around people I know and being in that environment without feeling the need to interact with that environment. The familiarity makes me feel comfortable and I'll just listen to my music and watch everyone else interact. I don't know if that's a weird thing, but that's just what I do for whatever reason.
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9/21/11
9/20/11
My Immortal
I know what you're probably thinking ; Oh great, there's a lot of text in this post I better prepare myself for yet another session of "Jessica Talks About Something Depressing", and yes you're completely right about that. But this time add some immortailty to the mix ;] Gotta make things spicy right?
Clearly, if you could be immortal, that means you can't die. Everybody knows this. But at the same time, it also means that you can't live. The whole idea of living is that eventually you die, and life ends. So if you can never die, then by the same token you can never really live. Without death, there can't be life. Most humans live their entire lives not doing dangerous things or things that could kill them, and these are good restraints. Takings risks is something most people are afraid to do because they want to keep living. That's the whole point; life is only life with the existence of death.
Maybe death is just like.. a side effect of life. But a really bad one (at least if you don't believe in an afterlife or reincanation or whatever). While you get to live and experience living, both the good and bad parts of it, eventually it wears off and you develop an immunity to life. Does that even make sense at all?
Oh and an anime called Casshern Sins set me off on this rant because it was talking about robots. That doesn't sound connected at all but I promise it is. I disagree with one character in the anime because he says that humans accept death; I don't believe this to be true. We spend time trying to avoid it and we live in constant fear of a force we can only see the effects of. Everything humans are afraid of all result in harm or death, and when we're faced with it, we don't accept it at all, we fight it for all we can in our minds. The robots in the anime want to live so badly that they are willing to kill someone just because of a rumor that killing him would allow them to live. While the robots are practically immortal because they are equipped with enough weapons to let them defend themselves from anything threatening, they still are focused on becoming mortal. This must mean that they understand that there isn't much to be made of an existence that never ends, because nothing will come with thrills and risks which is a major part of living.
Post title is from a song by Evanescence.
Clearly, if you could be immortal, that means you can't die. Everybody knows this. But at the same time, it also means that you can't live. The whole idea of living is that eventually you die, and life ends. So if you can never die, then by the same token you can never really live. Without death, there can't be life. Most humans live their entire lives not doing dangerous things or things that could kill them, and these are good restraints. Takings risks is something most people are afraid to do because they want to keep living. That's the whole point; life is only life with the existence of death.
Maybe death is just like.. a side effect of life. But a really bad one (at least if you don't believe in an afterlife or reincanation or whatever). While you get to live and experience living, both the good and bad parts of it, eventually it wears off and you develop an immunity to life. Does that even make sense at all?
Oh and an anime called Casshern Sins set me off on this rant because it was talking about robots. That doesn't sound connected at all but I promise it is. I disagree with one character in the anime because he says that humans accept death; I don't believe this to be true. We spend time trying to avoid it and we live in constant fear of a force we can only see the effects of. Everything humans are afraid of all result in harm or death, and when we're faced with it, we don't accept it at all, we fight it for all we can in our minds. The robots in the anime want to live so badly that they are willing to kill someone just because of a rumor that killing him would allow them to live. While the robots are practically immortal because they are equipped with enough weapons to let them defend themselves from anything threatening, they still are focused on becoming mortal. This must mean that they understand that there isn't much to be made of an existence that never ends, because nothing will come with thrills and risks which is a major part of living.
Post title is from a song by Evanescence.
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