I've been thinking a lot lately. About nothing yet everything. Something I saw on Tumblr made me inspired to write this so here it is.
I find myself more and more wanting to talk to people, to make friends and seem like I'm interesting, yet even when I'm with my friends I don't really want to talk. I put in my earbuds and just listen to music. For some reason music has in essence become my best friend. I keep getting in these moods where all I want to do is just sit around and listen to music. On my way to class I listen to music and when I get there, for the ten or so minutes before class actually starts, I continue listening although inside I sort of want the people sitting around me to talk to me. At the same time, I worry that if they do start talking to me I'll just say something stupid and make them not want to talk to me ever again. Which I think may have happened in sociology the other day. I've been trying so hard to make friends that I may just be trying too hard. You know it's bad when you're carrying the entire conversation and the person you're talking to has nothing to say back. Then it just gets to the point where you're beyond relieved when the teacher tells everyone to stop talking because you need someone to tell you to shut up.
Recently I've been living more in my own head than in reality. I can't focus on anything because my mind is always so scattered. Jumping from thought to thought, from one possibility to the next. Right now I'm supposed to be studying for an astronomy test that I have tomorrow, but what am I doing? Listening to music of course. I can't remember what I read a while ago, but I somewhat-recently realized that my personality is me because I'm weak. I can't force myself to see the good in things, I just let everything bother me and can't even muster enough energy to get those thoughts out of my mind.
Scattery mind come back! So yeah back to how I practically ignore my friends when I'm with them. Wow I put that badly. For some reason I usually feel better just being around people I know and being in that environment without feeling the need to interact with that environment. The familiarity makes me feel comfortable and I'll just listen to my music and watch everyone else interact. I don't know if that's a weird thing, but that's just what I do for whatever reason.
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I understand wanting to be around familiar people but not really wanting to talk to them. I have that same problem, feeling like I should be talking to people and that I kind of want to be, but at the same time really just preferring to be alone. With familiar people, you don't get that guilt of wanting to listen to music instead of talking to them.
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