Le Ramble

This is a weird post because I'm starting it out about absolutely nothing but my mind has been like a mosquito on steroids flying around like crazy so it'll go somewhere I'm sure (or I hope).

Let's start with how I was talking to my dad today for a little bit (a little bit being like 10 minutes which is a lot for us actually) about how my brother blames his teachers for why he hasn't been doing too well in school. I'm not going to bother ranting about how annoying I find blaming others for your flaws is because I could talk about that alone for hours. Part of becoming a better person is taking things into your own hands and doing something about it yourself instead of just taking a passive role by saying it's someone else's fault for your shortcomings. And that's all I'll say.

When we were talking he kept telling me stories I've heard like five times from him and he thinks I always forget them. I know I forget a lot of things but I still don't like when people assume I just don't remember and they make fun of me for it; it's not like it's my fault my brain doesn't work too well in that department. Anyways, while he was telling me a story I'd already heard multiple times, I was thinking about how I wanted to tell him I remembered that story but then I didn't want to seem rude so I just listened to it again.

You know how when you're far away from a situation you think you'll do one thing but then as you get closer and closer to it you start doubting yourself more and more? I'm sure there's a name for that phenomenon but sadly I don't know it (even after searching around on Google for a little while). Yeah that thing happens to me all the time like I tell myself all the time, "Next time I talk to that person I'll tell them [insert thing here]" or "Next time I go to that class I'll finally talk to the person I sit next to". I go through all of this internal prep work to get ready for this situation but as it looms closer I back down from it and then it never even happens.

My dad was talking about how he likes to make his feelings clear to people and not hide them and I'm the opposite of that. I really wish I could be straightforward about that stuff but for whatever reason I just can't. I don't even think I can blame it on a trust issue type thing. I think it's just that I really hate talking about myself. Fun fact, when you first meet someone (and this is in general), if you let them talk about themselves a lot there's a higher chance that they will like you than if you just talk about random things. So basically people like when they can talk about their life.

I know how important it is for people to know what they mean to you and one of my favorite actresses says, “Don't wait until it's too late to say I love you.” I don't know why it is I just have a hard time telling people how much they mean to me. Maybe it's because I assume they just know it, which is not true. If you haven't voiced it they can't be sure. When you can tell someone you love them and you miss them and you feel emotions rushing through you, you know you really do mean it. Even if your feelings aren't reciprocated, it is definitely a good thing for people to know how you feel about them. And I do feel this way but every day I struggle to put into words all the things I want to say to people. It is getting better though.


So that was an interesting place I got to there. So this is my current mind spilled out to this page nobody looks at. K thx bye.

Tuck the Darkness In

I know the 2 people who follow this blog probably don't even go on blogger anymore but I really needed to talk about this somewhere.

So today on tumblr one of the people I follow posted something that basically resembles a suicide note titled "Goodbye All!" and reads as follows: "Things have happened in my life . Some horrible stuff . Well I always believed we can deal with anything . But turns out I was wrong . Some things you can never deal with . There is no going back , nothing to go back to . Everything must end here , Life must end here . Meet ya’ll in heaven . I have had a great time with you all and I have always loved you all . I’m leaving this blog behind as my memory . Goodbye all . Take care"

Now, this is someone I've never really talked to, never met, someone who lives on the other side of the world in India. Even so, I almost cried when I read what she posted. More than half of the people on my tumblr are talking about her and hoping she's okay even though none of us ever met her face to face. She blogs a lot about the show Castle and somehow word got out to the Castle cast on Twitter of what was going on and they have all tweeted to say they care. Nobody knows how she's doing now; she posted that about 8 hours ago.

This just makes me think that stuff like this happens every single day and we don't even know about it. It's really sad because it makes you wish you could have done something to make it better for someone who's in that state of mind. Even if it's irrational, it's hard not to think that you could have helped in some way. And even practical strangers care about people who are considering suicide.

In some way this whole thing has made me realize I could never do it. I used to have bouts of depression once in a while and it would cross my mind for brief moments, but now I know I wouldn't do it. There's just so much I have to live for.

Anyways sorry for the depressing post but I needed to get this off my mind.

Update: She just posted on her Twitter that she is alive