This is a weird post because I'm starting it out about absolutely nothing but my mind has been like a mosquito on steroids flying around like crazy so it'll go somewhere I'm sure (or I hope).
Let's start with how I was talking to my dad today for a little bit (a little bit being like 10 minutes which is a lot for us actually) about how my brother blames his teachers for why he hasn't been doing too well in school. I'm not going to bother ranting about how annoying I find blaming others for your flaws is because I could talk about that alone for hours. Part of becoming a better person is taking things into your own hands and doing something about it yourself instead of just taking a passive role by saying it's someone else's fault for your shortcomings. And that's all I'll say.
When we were talking he kept telling me stories I've heard like five times from him and he thinks I always forget them. I know I forget a lot of things but I still don't like when people assume I just don't remember and they make fun of me for it; it's not like it's my fault my brain doesn't work too well in that department. Anyways, while he was telling me a story I'd already heard multiple times, I was thinking about how I wanted to tell him I remembered that story but then I didn't want to seem rude so I just listened to it again.
You know how when you're far away from a situation you think you'll do one thing but then as you get closer and closer to it you start doubting yourself more and more? I'm sure there's a name for that phenomenon but sadly I don't know it (even after searching around on Google for a little while). Yeah that thing happens to me all the time like I tell myself all the time, "Next time I talk to that person I'll tell them [insert thing here]" or "Next time I go to that class I'll finally talk to the person I sit next to". I go through all of this internal prep work to get ready for this situation but as it looms closer I back down from it and then it never even happens.
My dad was talking about how he likes to make his feelings clear to people and not hide them and I'm the opposite of that. I really wish I could be straightforward about that stuff but for whatever reason I just can't. I don't even think I can blame it on a trust issue type thing. I think it's just that I really hate talking about myself. Fun fact, when you first meet someone (and this is in general), if you let them talk about themselves a lot there's a higher chance that they will like you than if you just talk about random things. So basically people like when they can talk about their life.
I know how important it is for people to know what they mean to you and one of my favorite actresses says, “Don't wait until it's too late to say I love you.” I don't know why it is I just have a hard time telling people how much they mean to me. Maybe it's because I assume they just know it, which is not true. If you haven't voiced it they can't be sure. When you can tell someone you love them and you miss them and you feel emotions rushing through you, you know you really do mean it. Even if your feelings aren't reciprocated, it is definitely a good thing for people to know how you feel about them. And I do feel this way but every day I struggle to put into words all the things I want to say to people. It is getting better though.
So that was an interesting place I got to there. So this is my current mind spilled out to this page nobody looks at. K thx bye.
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