Satellite Mind

Warning: The immediate forecast contains a lot of rambling. Be cautious and traverse the post carefully.

I've been looking at quotes a lot lately because whenever I have no idea how to express how I feel, I look to smart people to put words in a way that I could never think of. A lot of the quotes I found were about life and such which are the ones I like, but the ideas behind most of them got me thinking. I never really thought about how being happy can be so hard to do and that my pessimism is probably just be a product of me not wanting to have to deal with anything ever. So through quote searching, I've discovered that I suck. All it takes is some attempt to see the good things to be happy. And I can't even do that simple thing.

I always tell myself I'll be a happier person, that I'll try not to look at every single thing in a negative light, but every time I fail. Although sometimes I can be in a good mood, it's not often that happens, and when it does it usually goes away pretty quickly. Since it's summer my mind has been on a rampage like putting Godzilla in Tokyo in 1955. Not seeing my friends all the time and having no definite plans with them makes me anxious about whether I'll ever see them again, and being forced to think about college and making new friends makes me anxious about whether I'll even like the people I have to live with and be around.
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Truthfully, and I've recently discovered this, I'm not as scared about not seeing my friends again as I am about possibly forgetting those moments I've had with them that I never want to lose. Even though I want to remember every moment I've spent with them even just a few memories would be a miracle for me to remember . My memory is so bad that I've completely forgotten the person who wrote the most in my yearbook from 6th grade. Even looking at the picture of her I still can't remember anything about her; the name means nothing to me either. If this happens with people I know now, I don't think I could handle it. Shared memories are the biggest part of any friendship, and not being able to reminisce about "that one time" takes that away. Even if a friendship fizzles out, those memories are part of who you are, the friends and people you meet through your life shape it. Not remembering the type of people you used to hang out with and used to talk to all the time means you lose part of yourself; because you know that you must have found something you liked in the people you came to know.

Over time I've had friends leave me for other people, and I always wonder if they even thought about how I would feel about it. I'm sure they did, or at least I hope they did, but really, leaving without even saying a word about it? I guess in the most obvious case (people who know me know who I'm talking about and I know I bitch about this too much but whatever), it was a gradual thing, but continually believing the person who left who kept giving promises of "I'll hang out with you tomorrow at lunch" was a huge mistake. I've never left my friends, and I don't think I ever would because I take anyone who will willingly hang out with me as a miracle; but I think if I did I would be sad about it. I would still try to keep contact with the people who I left, because while I may not spend as much time with them as I used to, that wouldn't mean that I'd never want to talk to them again. But, again, it's not like I have hordes of people wanting to be my friend. It honestly doesn't bother me that I don't have many friends; it makes looking for the ones who are worth getting to know easier to find.

El fin